your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
