I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?