I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.