You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
