Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
