Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
