i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
