can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
