Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
