happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
