My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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