so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
