The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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