Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
