Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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