the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
