If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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