you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
