I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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