Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
