On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
