Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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