i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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