Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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