why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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