That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
