I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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