Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?