Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
lets start a swedish sibling band together
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form