Texts From Last Night

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  (804): View more from Virginia

  omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

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  (804): omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh. (804): He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis. http://tfl.nu/8njp
  Replies (8) Good night (920) Bad night (2705)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.

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  (616): every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2. http://tfl.nu/pgp8
  Replies (10) Good night (3937) Bad night (720)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Hookers taste better with whip cream

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fair enough

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  (417): Hookers taste better with whip cream (816): Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too (417): Fair enough http://tfl.nu/svnz
  Replies (45) Good night (4070) Bad night (1329)
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.

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  (210): no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here. http://tfl.nu/1kwe
  Replies (8) Good night (1423) Bad night (3738)
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

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  (231): Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here. http://tfl.nu/i6i2
  Replies (10) Good night (3079) Bad night (1149)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

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  (248): He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history. http://tfl.nu/5nwi
  Replies (4) Good night (2732) Bad night (882)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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  (541): theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house? http://tfl.nu/uvha
  Replies (12) Good night (801) Bad night (2128)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again

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  (509): threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again http://tfl.nu/loxl
  Replies (4) Good night (488) Bad night (1184)
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.

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  (229): Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us. http://tfl.nu/rq4r
  Replies (7) Good night (465) Bad night (766)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.

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  (727): Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning. http://tfl.nu/1b4x
  Replies (4) Good night (636) Bad night (275)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.

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  (312): I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again. http://tfl.nu/ffgl
  Replies (0) Good night (330) Bad night (559)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"

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  (305): I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court" http://tfl.nu/xin1
  Replies (1) Good night (542) Bad night (522)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.

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  (909): Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring. http://tfl.nu/ocwc
  Replies (2) Good night (672) Bad night (342)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant

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  (715): while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant http://tfl.nu/24gg
  Replies (4) Good night (1011) Bad night (329)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.

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  (585): I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille. http://tfl.nu/u3hg
  Replies (2) Good night (506) Bad night (282)

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