sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.