Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
