dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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