If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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