i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
