Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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