Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
