omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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