Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
