Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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