you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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