I just saw a hot homeless man
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
