god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
