Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
