Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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