Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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