Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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