she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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