I accidentally had phone sex last night
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
