There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
