I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
