Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
