This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
