I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
