they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
