booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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