just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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