it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
