Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
