Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She's the barista slut.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
