Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
