I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My ATM looks so different sober.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
