; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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