no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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