Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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